Guide
When you fight about everything
The towel, the phone, his mother, her tone. If the topic keeps changing and the fight stays the same, it is the pattern that needs attention, not the topics.
By Mr. Chakkaravarthy RK
Child Coach, Memory Coach, Neurobics Expert, NLP Master · Life Coach
Updated 2 October 2026 · about 7 minutes to read
"We fight about everything" is one of the commonest things a couple says, and it is almost never true. Couples fight about one or two things, again and again, dressed up as everything.
That is good news. Everything cannot be fixed. One or two things can.
It is rarely about the topic
Why do small things turn into big fights?
Because the small thing is carrying something bigger. It is rarely about the thing you are shouting about.
A wet towel on the bed becomes a shouting match not because of the towel but because of what it seems to say: you do not notice me, you do not take my work seriously, I am alone in running this house. Coming home late is not about the time. It is about whether the other person matters enough to call.
In an arranged marriage, the bigger question is often simply: do you actually like me? Two people who are still getting to know each other read every small thing as evidence, and fight about the evidence because the question itself feels too big to ask.
What tends to help
- Asking, after a fight has cooled: "What was that really about?" Answer it for yourself first.
- Listing your last five fights. Most couples find two or three themes, not five topics.
- Saying the bigger thing out loud, once, calmly: "When you are on your phone at dinner I feel like I am not there."
The pattern under every fight
Why does it always end the same way?
Most couples are stuck in one of two loops.
In the first, one person pushes and the other pulls away. She wants to talk about it now; he wants to be left alone. The more she pushes, the more he withdraws, and the more he withdraws, the harder she pushes. Each is responding to the other, and each believes the other started it. Sometimes the roles are the other way round.
In the second, one criticises and the other defends. "You never help." "I helped on Sunday." Nobody is listening; both are preparing the next sentence. The fight is about who is right, so it cannot end, because nobody in a marriage gets to be right for long.
Seeing which loop you are in changes the fight. It stops being you against me and becomes the two of us against this pattern. That is the most useful shift a couple can make.
What tends to help
- Naming your loop together at a calm moment, without blame: "I push, you go quiet, and then I push harder."
- Agreeing on a word either of you can say when you notice the loop starting.
- Dropping "always" and "never". They turn a complaint into an attack, and an attack gets a defence.
What to do in the moment
When it starts, what do we actually do?
Stop it early. Once voices are raised, nobody is thinking, and anything said after that point will be remembered longer than it deserves.
Take a break, but say when you will come back: "I need twenty minutes. Let us talk at nine." Then come back at nine. A break with a return time is a pause. A break without one is just silence, and silence after a fight has its own way of going wrong.
When you come back, start soft. Say how you felt and one specific thing you would like, not what the other person is. "I felt alone with the guests on Sunday. Next time can you stay in the kitchen with me?" gets an answer. "You are useless with guests" gets a fight.
Keep to one topic. When a fight about the guests becomes a fight about his mother, her job and last Deepavali, it cannot be finished. Write the other things down for another day.
What tends to help
- A break with a time to come back, every time.
- Before replying, repeating back what you heard: "You are saying you felt left alone."
- Not fighting at night, in front of the children, or in front of family.
What to do afterwards
How do we stop the next one?
The day after a fight matters more than the fight. Couples who do well are not couples who never fight. They are couples who repair: one of them comes back and says "I was harsh yesterday" or "Can we try that again?", and the other accepts it.
Repair does not need a full apology or an admission of who was wrong. It needs a signal that the relationship matters more than the argument. A cup of tea, a hand on the shoulder, a joke that both of you recognise as an offer.
Then finish one argument properly. Pick one of the themes from your list and come to an actual decision, even an imperfect one. Every fight that ends with a decision is one fewer fight next month.
Many couples also find a short, regular talk helps: twenty minutes once a week, phones away, to raise small things while they are still small.
What tends to help
- Accepting a repair attempt, even a clumsy one.
- Deciding something, and writing it down.
- A weekly twenty minutes, before things build up.
When a fight is not just a fight
Everything above is about two people who argue badly. Some fights are something else.
If arguments include hitting, pushing, breaking things, threats, or if one of you is afraid of the other, that is not a communication problem and the advice above is the wrong tool. Couples sessions can make it more dangerous, because what is said in the room goes home afterwards.
- 181 Women Helpline — national, free, 24 hours. Run in Tamil Nadu by the Social Welfare Department. Connects to police, medical help, legal aid and One Stop Centres.
- 112 Emergency response — police, ambulance, fire.
- 14416 Tele-MANAS — free mental health support, 24 hours, in Tamil and English.
There is no shame in calling, and you do not have to have decided anything before you do.
What counselling does with this
It slows the fight down enough to see it. Most couples arrive able to describe the last argument in detail and unable to describe the pattern, because they have only ever been inside it. Once the loop is visible, both people can step out of it.
Sessions are practical: the two or three real themes, the loop you fall into, and one decision at a time. You can come together or one of you can start alone. Sessions run in Tamil or English, in person in Neyveli or online. This guide is published by Feathers Life Coach, a single-practitioner practice in Neyveli, Cuddalore district.
Questions people ask first
Is it normal to fight a lot in the first year of marriage?
Yes, especially in an arranged marriage, where two people are learning each other and a new household at the same time. It is worth attention when the same fight keeps repeating and nothing gets decided.
My partner says I start every fight. Is that true?
In a loop, it usually looks that way from both sides. Who started it matters much less than which of you will step out of it first.
Is it better to stay quiet to avoid a fight?
Not as a habit. Staying quiet postpones the fight and adds resentment to it. A calm conversation at a good time is better than either shouting or silence.
Can counselling help if only one of us wants to go?
Yes. A pattern held by two people can change when one of them changes their part. The other often joins later.
Do you see couples online?
Yes, by video or voice call, from anywhere, in Tamil or English.
If this is your house
One conversation is enough to find out whether it helps. Sessions run in Tamil or English, in person in Neyveli or online from anywhere.